ADVOCATE SPOTLIGHT
Aquanetta Toval
Advocacy through Younity
“When we got that call, our lives changed for the rest of our lives.”
An entire family was impacted on that day in Virginia in 1990. When asked what motivated her to become a Domestic Violence Advocate, Aquanetta Toval explained, “I am a survivor of domestic violence. My grandmother’s only child, my mom, was murdered, and I’m her only daughter.”
Aquanetta comes from a long line of admirable women. Her grandmother, Lenora Kelly, lovingly known as “Big Mama,” had a youthful spirit and knack for speaking her mind. Aquanetta’s mom, Bernice Delores Clark Tootle, was an active, loving human being that took pride in her daughter, sons, and grandchildren. Aquanetta saw her mom that day, and 28 minutes later Bernice was taken from them, murdered by her second husband. In their culture, there was no grief counseling. Aquanetta was programmed to turn the other cheek and move forward.
The trauma of domestic violence spread through every facet of her life. The weight intensified when Aquanetta saw a courtroom full of supporters for the man on trial because of his societal connections. He was sentenced to two years on a weapons charge and six months for the beautiful life taken. Aquanetta carried it quietly as she and her brothers searched the gaze of other men, wondering if they too, were causing harm.
Left to right: NCAAR FVO Director, Ciara Guile, Aquanetta Toval, and NCAAR Community Engagement Specialist, Michelle White
NCAAR Office
Aquanetta honored her mom through her own life, often wearing Bernice’s favorite color, yellow, and always keeping Big Mama beside her. She poured love and time into her family, friends, and community organizations. Through her association with a charitable organization, Aquanetta participated in a fundraiser for a place called Womanspace, now known as Younity. After looking into their mission, she wondered whether such a place could help her navigate her own grief decades later. Aquanetta believes there are no coincidences.
During the intensive advocacy training, memories and feelings that had been tucked away for years resurfaced. Aquanetta’s motive was to help others, and in turn, she began to heal. She learned that there are many reasons survivors do not speak out, including embarrassment, shame, and guilt. Others are not even aware that they are experiencing abuse. Statistics show that, on average, women attempt to leave an abusive situation seven times before they actually do. “That’s a lot of times saying, ‘I’m hurt. I need help.’”
Aquanetta recalls her first shift, when she sat still, dressed and ready to go, glued to her phone for the entire six hours she was scheduled. Now, three years later, she takes 12-hour shifts and remains ready. When volunteering overnight, part of her hopes the phone does not ring, yet another part hopes it does, because someone, somewhere, is experiencing abuse, even if they are unable to say it out loud. When the phone is silent, Aquanetta prays that someone made it through another night, knowing that sometimes they do not.
Younity serves Mercer County, the only county in New Jersey that provides in-person domestic violence advocates 24 hours a day, 365 days a year with the assurance that help will arrive within 30 minutes. When the phone rings, there is no backstory, only the location of a hospital or police station.
Aquanetta chats with Michelle and Ciara
NCAAR Office
Aquanetta explained the importance of reading the room. “When you walk in, do they want you there, or do they just need you there?” It is essential to meet survivors where they are. Sometimes, the interaction is a brief, five-minute sharing of resources with someone who does not want to talk. Other times, it means holding a woman’s hand for four hours in a hospital as she undergoes an examination during one of the most vulnerable moments of her life following an assault. “Sometimes, we can just hold a hand. And sometimes both of us are crying. They are crying, and I am crying. Because it is a lot to be there for someone like that.”
While the circumstances of each case vary, the promise is always the same. Every survivor is offered compassion, confidentiality, support, and resources, directly from backpacks carried by the advocates. If a survivor is ready to leave, the advocate can assist them in calling Younity, the Mercer County safe house. If they decide to return to a home they share with an abuser, the advocate can provide them with safety tools, such as a bell that alerts them when someone opens their door. Either way, every call is an opportunity to help. There are always choices and never judgement.
As we highlight Aquanetta’s advocacy, she humbly refocuses the attention to the services available through Younity. For individuals experiencing domestic violence, there is help. For those who are uncertain whether what they are experiencing is domestic violence, there is help. For the children who secretly hear the yelling through the walls, there is help. For the abuser, there is help for them too. Younity also provides crucial support for their advocates. Supervisors are readily available, and the organization holds monthly virtual advocate meetings.
When asked about barriers, Aquanetta emphasized the desperate need for more safe houses. Younity’s Safe House in Mercer County can accommodate multiple survivors, including those with children, but it is often at capacity. Each situation is different, and some need to stay longer than others. Additional funding is needed to provide adequate housing resources, and new advocates are always needed as well. Younity offers training for Mercer County residents interested in becoming an advocate. In Aquanetta’s experience, advocacy has been a rewarding journey. “For me to be there, to help someone’s mother, sister, wife, caregiver, to help them, not experience the trauma that I have experienced as a result of my mother, or that my mother has not been able to experience, because someone took her life.”
Aquanetta shared that when she looks in the mirror, she sees her mother. She has reached the age of 67, and her mother never saw beyond 50. Younity has provided Aquanetta a space to reflect and to shift her perspective. She is grateful for the 30 beautiful years she had with her mom. When she walks into a room as an advocate, it is not about her own story or how the loss of her mom impacted her life. It is about extending a hand to a person in a crisis state, in honor of her mother. Big Mama passed away in 2020, and again, there are no coincidences. Aquanetta shared her story with us on October 21, which happened to be Big Mama’s birthday. Today, Aquanetta happily carries the legacy of Bernice and Big Mama through productivity, and service, while embodying the strength and grace passed down through generations. The spotlight that shines on one woman, now shines on three.
Lenora Kelly, aka Big Mama
Bernice Delores Clark Tootle
Aquanetta Toval
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